Do I really need a title?

So, recently I made the decision not to move back to Portland this Christmas. I had a lot of good things going for me. Now I'm not so sure. I swear that every Sunday is a nightmare. This weekend she was gone from Friday until just a few hours ago. It was a pretty good weekend. There was no major fighting or bickering and there were no tense moments. She has been home for just an hour or so. I went out to say hi, welcome home, but not immediately. I waited about half an hour. Let her have some time to say hello to her family and get settled back in. When I went out, she hardly looked at me and flat out ignored me. I don't have to put up with that crap at all. Now she and Bob are "talking", which of course equates to arguing in most books. SHE'S BEEN HOME AN HOUR!!!!! I hate Sundays. I don't understand why she is like this, especially on such a day that is supposed to be taken reverently and with respect. I really enjoyed this weekend. It was stress and tension free. Now I don't even want to leave my room to check on the clothes that I put in the washer. A house that is supposedly filled with love shouldn't be filled with this much tension. She shouldn't argue about every little thing or get offended or hurt over every little thing we say or do! I don't understand her and she makes it incredibly difficult for someone to truly like her!

Excitement!!

Oh my gosh I'm so excited! Friday is so not coming quick enough. I leave for a month in Germany on Friday. I go to London and get there on the 1st of May. My friend and I are going to stay the night there and leave around 2 PM on Sunday for Berlin. I stay there for nearly a month. I got an email from the Goethe-Institut today telling me who I'll be staying with, where the closest transportation stop is, and how long it will take me to get to the school. I'll be staying with a lady named Renate Giese. We were told that we probably won't be with another person from our group, but I found out that the friend that I'm doing most of my traveling with will be in the same house as me. I hope that we don't end up hating each other lol. I probably won't be doing too much updating on here but I'll try. I'll definitely be keeping updates on Facebook. I'm so incredibly excited and nervous and scared. I was talking with my German teacher today and told him that, but he told me that was normal. I can't wait!!!

Late night ramblings that are sure to make somebody mad :)

Ok...politics seriously piss me off. Do you know that we are the only industrialized country in the world that has a government that doesn't pay for our education, or our health care? Why not? How come we have to go into so much debt, so that we can get a "better" job? Don't get me wrong, I love my country and I love having the freedoms that so many other countries don't have, but it pisses me off that this country doesn't help it's people. I hate capitalism. There is nothing truly good about it. It gives people the right to own and operate a business, but how does it help the people who have no interest in that. I'll never own my own business. The field that I'm entering is notorious for having so many unemployed people with great degrees. I'm not going to give up what I love so that I can own a business that will most likely fail. I know this is rambling and probably doesn't make much sense, and some of it is probably a little wrong, but I'm just pissed off at all of this. I shouldn't have to have the debt that I have to get an education. Do you know that the countries in Europe pay for their citizens education? How is that wrong? I truthfully find nothing wrong with socialism. How is it wrong to care for the people and not businesses? Did you know that if communism is done right, with no peversions of the theory, it could be the most perfect form of government? Unfortunately, those who have implemented it twisted it to suit their needs and not the needs of the people and made it a scary thing. It is a no-no now. I'm not promoting it at all, but just know that when Karl Marx first wrote about it, he didn't mean for what the USSR to do to it. I'm sure I'll make some of you mad when you read this. I'm sorry for that, but I'm not going to change my mind. I want the government to care about me and you! Not worry about bailing out some company that has floundered and can't get itself out of the mess it made. I'm not asking for the government to pay for everything, no government should do that, but it should help us more than it does now. This form of government has made me so mad and frustrated that it makes me want to move. I want to be apart of something good. I don't think that will ever happen in our lifetime. We finally have a president who, at least on paper, cares for the people. He introduces something that is a step to universal health care and people have a huge fit. Who cares if affects the rich people? I'm not rich and I'll never be rich. I'm pretty sure they can afford the taxes. If they can afford everything else that they buy what's a few more dollars added on? Maybe this is just some late night, I'm super tired, rambling but I'm just pissed off enough to want to say something. I have my doubts that anybody really reads this so I guess it's ok for me to spew this lol. Please don't think that I hate my country, because I don't. I love the US. I just think that we need to put our priorities elsewhere now.

Family is the most amazing thing ever!

Wow...today everything finally fell into place. Today my parents paid the rest of what I owed for my study abroad trip! I was so excited about that. THEN, my grandparents decided that they would help me pay for my plane tickets. I'll pay them back of course, but that helps me so much. I'm so incredibly greatful for the family I have. They have helped me through so much. I hope that I'll be as generous when the time comes. I have my program and tickets paid for and it wasn't as hard to get it done as I thought it would be. Thank you everybody! You don't know how much this means to me! I love you all!

Today has been an interesting day ^.^

Wow. Today has been pretty phenomenal! These last few days have been pretty bad. My aunt has been at her worst. She has cut herself out of our family because of perceived slights. What she thought happened didn't really happen but she has decided that it would be better for her to cut of contact with my parents and not go to any family functions. She's kind of going overboard, but there is no arguing with her. I figure give her a couple of weeks or so and she'll get over it, hopefully. Anyway, yesterday, my uncle and I went to the bank to apply for a loan and the loan guy said that even with our combined everything the debt-ratio was too high. He has a loan and the mortgage that he's cosigned, and while he either doesn't pay anything on it or only pays half, it's pretty much left us looking like we can't pay it. The only way of being able to get the loan would be if my aunt also cosigned. Because of previous happenings this week I was pretty sure I was up a certain creek without a paddle. Today as I was taking my shower, my aunt knocked on the door. I was assuming that she had to use the toilet. She came in and asked if when I had a moment would I come to her room and talk to her. Well I finished up, and was freaking out the entire time. I went in and sat down with her and she apologized to me!!! We had a heart to heart and mended our fences. It was awesome. Well I still didn't want to breech the subject of the loan but she asked me how it was going. I told her I didn't think it was going to happen. We were trying to figure out how to make it or come up with another plan on how to do it. My uncle came up to talk about something else and he broached the subject of her also cosigning because of the other loans that are also in her name. She agreed to do it!!! Never have I been more surprised. I was so positive that she would refuse to do it. I'm so greatful for moments like these. I have been feeling pretty bad these last couple of days. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, or how I was going to get the money. I was sure that if nothing happened I was going to have to pull out of the study abroad program. Now I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to get the loan, especially if my aunt cosigns. We have plans for going in on Monday afternoon to get her on the loan as well. I'm feeling more hopeful and optimistic.


On other news, I need you guys to please keep one of my best friends, Kristina Heitman, in your prayers. She's received some horrible news about her health and a dear friend of hers is in the hospital. I'm not going into details, but if you could just pray for good health, comfort, and peace in these times, I'd be eternally greatful. I know that even when I reach my lowest, that prayer helps. How could positive thinking not help? Thanks everyone. Love you all!!!!

Ah money, how I hate thee!

Sometimes when life throws something awful at you, it can also follow through with something wonderful! Yesterday I was absolutely terrified that my aunt was going to ask my uncle to not co-sign my loan. She was under the impression that I was going to ask for a huge amount. I was thinking about it but I didn't really need that much. Today I found out that I have much less to pay to my study abroad program. I only have about $400 left to pay. I'll be getting more money in May from financial aid. I know what I'm doing but she didn't ask. She has valid concerns and questions, however, the way she put them forth, her tone of voice, scared me to death. This morning we got into another arguement about it. She implied some things that have really hurt me. I'll get over it though. I figured out how much a monthly payment will be, how long it'll take me to pay it off, and what the intrest rate is going to be. I can do this. It may not look like it, but I can do it. Things are starting to level out and become lots better.

Careful with hope, it can get dashed pretty easy...

So, I posted in my last blog about going to Germany for a study abroad. It's been a bit frustrating trying to come up with the money. I know that I'll have the money from summer financial aid, but that money doesn't come in until after I'm supposed to be in Germany. The only other way that I can come up with the rest of the money is to take out a loan. It's not going to be huge, but enough to pay for the rest of the program and the plane ticket, plus some extra for spending money until my financial aid comes in. The only way I can get a loan is if I have a co-signor. I've asked my uncle to be my co-signor. My aunt was a little worried about it understandably. They are still in the adoption process and there are still legal fees. The most that I'll take out is $4000, but I could get away with $3000. I plan on paying it off with the money that I get for fall semester. I have no other choice. I have some ideas for fundraisers and stuff, but I really don't want to have to do them alone. We have a meeting tomorrow and I'll discuss some of my ideas with everybody then. Hopefully they'll be willing to help me, and each other, out. Anyway, today my aunt was on a roll. She kept going on and on about how this could ruin their chances at getting a loan or credit cards to help pay the fees for the adoption. I completely understand that the adoption needs to come first for them. However, it's not as if I'm planning on skipping out on the loan and leaving it to them. Yes, there are risks, I know this. For weeks she's been very supportive about me going. Telling me that we'll figure out a way to get the money, etc. When I first asked them for help with the loan, she was a bit hesitant, but was willing to help. Today it feels as if I've lost the chance to get the money. I don't know who else could help me like this. My parents have gone above and beyond to help me. I don't really have anyone else to do this, and now my hopes have been dashed. I had finally found a cheaper way to get plane tickets. It would cost a couple of hundred dollars less the way I found. Now, I'm not even sure if I'm gonna be able to go.

Why do people do this? Bring you up to pull you down. She was so excited for me, helping me, giving me ideas, praying for me and with me, and now this? I don't know what to do anymore!!! I'm so angry with her. I don't know what happened. It hurts so much, so much.