Weighty issues

Today my co-worker, who I'm starting to consider a friend, were having a nice long discussion at school. We were talking about men and how sometimes, they just don't make sense. A couple of weeks ago she had mentioned something about hooking me up with her brother. I laughed about it, thinking that would never happen, and promptly forgot about it. Well, I guess she did mention it to him. However, being a man, he wouldn't go on a date with me because I'm not under 150 pounds. Apparently, he's a rather large man himself. I don't get why men are like that. I understand if you have a healthy body you'd want someone similar. Even if it's purely a physical thing I understand that. However, when a large man won't even think about dating someone like him, it kind of boggles me. Believe me I understand about attraction, but sometimes it's incredibly shallow and it drives me bonkers...and it hurts a bit.

Which leads me to turning this into a good situation. I kept thinking about it and it was hurting me a bit. I was wishing that she hadn't told me what her brother had said, but in the long run, I'm glad she did. It gave me something to think about. I'm not happy with my body or my weight. I signed up for a Powertone class next semester and at first I wasn't looking forward to it, but now I am. It's time for me to change and get healthier. It's going to be extremely difficult. Part of the reason that I'm overweight is because 1) I'm completely addicted to food and 2) I'm an emotional eater. I also don't work through my cravings. If I have one, I satisfy it with the unhealthy food. I need to satisfy it with a healthier option. I'm also very lazy. I want to get out and go for a walk, but that would require me getting off of my butt and going outside. I need to push myself until the urge to be lazy goes away. It's going to be a long and difficult journey, but I can do it! I know I can! I just may need some help and encouragement along the way. I have a goal of loosing 100 pounds. I would rather loose inches than pounds, but I don't know my inches size, so for right now, it's pounds. It seems like a lot, but I know that I can loose that. I don't want to set a specific date or time like 100 pounds by the end of next year. I will set myself up for failure that way. I'm ready to start, but I'm going to wait a bit to actually begin. With this being the holiday season, it seems a bit ridiculous to begin right now. I'll be smarter about what I eat and maybe add a little more exercise into my life, but I'm not going to go on a full diet yet. I'll keep you guys updated!!

Traveling Memories

Today has been an unusually good day. Nothing great or life changing has happened, but I haven't felt that overwhelming sense of loneliness that I have been feeling for the last couple of days. I'm very tired today. Having this long vacation has completely messed with my sleep schedule. When I had to go to sleep early so that I could wake up early for work, I couldn't fall asleep. I just wasn't tired enough and my brain was still going a mile a minute. I ended up staying up until nearly 1:30 in the morning. Not fun when you have to get up at 6:45!

While at work a girl came up to talk to me. Her name is Brittany and this is her very first semester in college. She's 18, taking German 1010, and planning on going on the study abroad trip to Germany this summer. She was asking me tons of questions about the trip. What was it like? How much money will she need? They ranged from the basic to the I wish I had thought of that question before! It was amazing to talk to her about all that we were able to do last year. I am so thankful that I was able to go to Germany this last summer. It was an experience that changed me. I was able to do so much and see tons! Of course there were many things that I didn't get to see or do, and that makes me sad, but what I did get to see and do was awesome! I got to live right down the street from the Templehof Airport.

It was a very important airport for the Germans after WWII. One U-Bahn stop away from mine was Platz der Luftbrücke, another important event happened there-the Berlin Air Bridge, when America flew in food and supplies when Berlin was closed off to everything after WWII.

I was able to visit tons of museum and see things that I never would have been able to otherwise. We visited Dresden. It was such a beautiful city. It made me sad to see all of the gorgeous buildings covered in soot from when America senselessly firebombed Dresden. However, the Frauenkirche rose like a phoenix from the flames and was rebuilt and is one of the most beautiful churches ever built.

We went to Weimar-home of Goethe, Schiller, and many more important German thinkers, authors, and composers.

However, it had a dark side. In the woods outside of Weimar, lies a camp that many of the residents of Weimar chose not to know about-Buchenwald Concentration Camp. This wasn't a concentration camp like Auschwitz, meaning it wasn't built as a death camp, though thousands did die there and death wasn't prevented, and many deaths were hastened along. On the front gates is the slogan "Jedem das Seine" which literally means to each his own, but really meant that the people going through the gates were getting what they deserved.

This place is nestled inside one of the most beautiful and peaceful places you could ever imagine. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and oddly enough I felt incredibly at peace, in a place that had no peace for a number of years. This camp was a political prisoner camp. Not just Jews were interred here, but POWs, Gypsies, political prisoners, homosexuals, Jehovah's Witnesses, and criminals. They were worked hard, they were experimented on, and they were murdered. It's hard to imagine that any sort of feelings other than sadness, hatred, or despair could be felt there. But like I said it was one of the best days we had had. I didn't feel any of those feelings, other than my own sympathy and sadness for what happened there. Most of the buildings were torn down, either because of intense rage from the prisoners or because of age and decay. I'm not happy that such horrible things happened there, but I'm happy that we are able to learn from this. I'm glad that nature is starting to take over what was taken from it. I'm glad that peace was felt once more where war should never have touched.

Let's move on from such sad talk. We also visited Potsdam. It's a city on the outskirts of Berlin. It's a beautiful old city surrounded by tree covered hills (the Germans call them mountains, but really they're only hills).

Sadly the day was gray, rainy, and cold. We walked around the town and saw some amazing buildings. We walked through the grounds of Sansouci, a palace built by Friedrich II, King in Prussia during the late 18th century.

It's gorgeous and full of gold covered rococo designs. I could have easily spent days there, but unfortunately we only got about an hour. I think everybody in my study abroad group (at least the girls anyway) fell a little in love with Friedrich. We came home with some great memories and jokes that still make Dr. Packer cringe and try to defend Friedrich.

I'm so incredibly grateful that I was able to do this and visit such an amazing, diverse, and beautiful country. I wish that I had had more time, but I'm thankful for what time I did have. I wish that others could do that same some day.

Now it's time for me to get cracking on a history paper!

From Loneliness to Happiness-Choices

The last couple of days have been kind of rough for me. I've been feeling alone and left out of things. I want to cry about it, but I don't think that there would be anyone who would hear me. My phone isn't working, so I can't call my mom or my sisters. I hate feeling this way, so every time I feel like complaining on here I'm going to write something that's good in my life. Hopefully that will help. It'll be hard, because sometimes it doesn't feel as if there is anything good in my life, but even if it is something small and insignificant, but makes my life just a tad bit better, it'll be good to write about.

It's freezing cold outside and there is about 6 inches of snow on the ground. My room is cold, mainly because I haven't opened my vent in to let the warmth in. That's OK, I like it that way. I read a newspaper article today about a family who was homeless for a while and just recently got an apartment of their own. They were able to make breakfast together as a family for the first time in months and they got a dog. While my living situation isn't ideal, and most every day I wish that I had the means to change it, I'm thankful to know that I'll never have to be homeless. That I have family somewhere that would open their arms and doors to let me live with them until I could get myself situated. I'm grateful that I have the option of open a vent or not. I can't imagine sleeping in weather like this. I have a choice to be warm or not, while there are some out there who don't have that choice. We are lucky that we get to make our choices.

I'm still sad that I'm feeling lonely and left out, but I'll be OK. It's not a quick fix to write these things down, but it does help to lift some of the weight off of my chest. It helps to not think of just myself, especially at this time of year. So, now that I'm done feeling so incredibly sad, I'm going to do something for me-clean my room and then read some Kafka :)

Happy Sunday everyone! I love you all!

Secrets

I found a fun new website today. It's called PostSecret. A guy decided to ask people to send him their secrets anonymously on a postcard. They range from the silly to the shocking, from touching to scary. It got me to thinking, I carry a lot of secrets inside of me. I hate that. I'm not about to blab them out on here, because frankly, I don't want anyone to know them. But to tell a person I don't know could be oddly freeing. Maybe I'll do that one day. Write a bunch of my secrets down and send them to a random person.

Life would be so much better and so much easier if we didn't have to live in fear of our secrets. I hate having mine, but at the same time, I wouldn't and couldn't risk anything to tell them. Some are mine, but some are others.

By the end of this week, I will have written all of my secrets down and either have sent them off to this man or just leave them someplace random!

Post-Holiday Blues and Thankfulness

I have realized that 1) being without family on the holidays really sucks and, not that nobody else doesn't know this, 2) I really can't wait to leave Utah. Oddly enough both realizations are connected. I hate being without my family on a major holiday. Thanksgiving and Christmas are meant to be spent with your family. I'm lucky that I did get to spend it with some family, but those that I really want to see and spend time with are so far away. I hate being spread all over the States! Because I'm really missing my family, it's really making me dislike being in Utah. Everyone knows my feelings towards the not so great state of Utah. I don't see anything great about this place. There is only one kind of person here: a conservative Mormon. While these kind of people are OK, in small bunches, an entire state of them is lacking in diversity. There are a few random liberal non-Mormons scattered around, but I'm lucky if I can find any! I despair of ever finding someone for me. I don't fit the standard around here. To be even considered for dating you have to be: 1) Mormon 2)Blond 3)Skinny and 4)Desirous to be absolutely, completely dependent upon your husband, not necessarily that order! Happily, I'll never be that, but finding someone who will appreciate me for me here is harder than finding that proverbial needle! I have some friends, but they are happily in relationships...so guess who's been forgotten?? (Answer here) You win a prize if you guessed correctly!

I hate all of this complaining. I'm just having a sad moment, because once again, I'm feeling sad and alone.

Even though it's the day after Thanksgiving, I'll list some of the things I'm thankful for:

1. My family-my parents and my sisters are the most amazing people and I wish that everyone had a family like mine.

2. My education-I know that I wouldn't be who I am today without it. It has opened my mind and broadened my thinking.

3. The myriad of little things in my life-all of the things that make me smile, make my life simpler and better. They go from good music to a warm shower to socks.

I should put more, but those are the two things that I'm most grateful for. It's easy for me to forget what I'm thankful for, so this holiday is a good reminder, not only for me but for everyone, to stop and think and thank.

I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving and that the upcoming Christmas season will be spectacular for you!

Love you all!!

I'm amazed at some people's thoughtlessness

Today, I was was combing the internet for something new and interesting to read. Most of the time it's usually on AOL, some random article about politics or even a celebrity scandal or two. There was an article that caught my eye, "'Mike & Molly' Star Speaks Out About 'Fatties' Furor". In it, it describes a blog from Marie Claire, a leading women's magazine, from a freelance blogger named Maura Kelly. It's called "Should 'Fatties' Get a Room? (Even on TV?)." I've never seen the show Mike & Molly, but it's about two people who meet at an Overeaters Anonymous group and begin dating. This blogger, because I can't call her a lady (it's too dignified for the likes of her), was disgusted that a show would show two people with "rolls and rolls" making out. She said that she would be disgusted to see a morbidly obese person walking across a room. This woman deeply offended me. I know that I'm not a healthy weight, I know that I should be, and one day I'll be ready for it. It amazes me that some people are still so rude, thoughtless, vain, and tactless today. Yes, we know that we shouldn't eat the unhealthy, processed foods. We know that we should eat vegetables and exercise more, but when people make such damaging remarks, it makes it that much harder to get out and do those things. You may think "how hard is it to really stop eating that food and eat some veggies or get a few minutes of exercise?" It's really hard when you have emotional damage that food helps to curb for a few more days. It's really hard when you think that you are finally ready to take that step, then hear that people are disgusted to even see you. People have to wonder why there are no overweight people in a gym. How hard do you think it is to go into a gym and no one there is over a size two? They're not there to lose weight, but to look at the other "healthy" people. It's a $50 a month hook-up joint. When you are the only one there that when you run on the treadmill and something jiggles, it isn't easy. The people there are admiring you for your attempt to get healthy, but they are thinking why is this person here ruining our view. If people were more tolerant of one another this world would be a stronger, healthier place. We need to stop judging people on what they look like. Especially here in Utah. For someone who isn't the "ideal" image, it really sucks here. We who look differently, or have extra pounds, are discriminated against and left out. We are looked over and ignored. It's as if we are non-entities just taking up space and air. We don't exist to you and that needs to change! We need to promote a healthier way of getting people to lose weight. Calling us fatties, ugly, disgusting, etc. is not the way to go. Involve us in your activities, talk to us, think of us as normal. We have so much to offer this world, but no one realizes that, because we disgust the "healthy" people.

PS...the titles of the articles are linked to the actual article