German Movies

I don't really have much to say today. I saw a German movie called "Schultze Gets the Blues." It was a very long, very slow movie. It was absolutely hilarious. I highly recommend this movie. However, it is mostly in German and it's incredibly slow and there isn't a whole lot of talking. But if you just sit back and enjoy it, you will have a great experience.

This is going to be a pretty short blog tonight. Not much happened today so I'm just going to finish proofreading my history paper and maybe attempt writing my German paper.

Weighty issues

Today my co-worker, who I'm starting to consider a friend, were having a nice long discussion at school. We were talking about men and how sometimes, they just don't make sense. A couple of weeks ago she had mentioned something about hooking me up with her brother. I laughed about it, thinking that would never happen, and promptly forgot about it. Well, I guess she did mention it to him. However, being a man, he wouldn't go on a date with me because I'm not under 150 pounds. Apparently, he's a rather large man himself. I don't get why men are like that. I understand if you have a healthy body you'd want someone similar. Even if it's purely a physical thing I understand that. However, when a large man won't even think about dating someone like him, it kind of boggles me. Believe me I understand about attraction, but sometimes it's incredibly shallow and it drives me bonkers...and it hurts a bit.

Which leads me to turning this into a good situation. I kept thinking about it and it was hurting me a bit. I was wishing that she hadn't told me what her brother had said, but in the long run, I'm glad she did. It gave me something to think about. I'm not happy with my body or my weight. I signed up for a Powertone class next semester and at first I wasn't looking forward to it, but now I am. It's time for me to change and get healthier. It's going to be extremely difficult. Part of the reason that I'm overweight is because 1) I'm completely addicted to food and 2) I'm an emotional eater. I also don't work through my cravings. If I have one, I satisfy it with the unhealthy food. I need to satisfy it with a healthier option. I'm also very lazy. I want to get out and go for a walk, but that would require me getting off of my butt and going outside. I need to push myself until the urge to be lazy goes away. It's going to be a long and difficult journey, but I can do it! I know I can! I just may need some help and encouragement along the way. I have a goal of loosing 100 pounds. I would rather loose inches than pounds, but I don't know my inches size, so for right now, it's pounds. It seems like a lot, but I know that I can loose that. I don't want to set a specific date or time like 100 pounds by the end of next year. I will set myself up for failure that way. I'm ready to start, but I'm going to wait a bit to actually begin. With this being the holiday season, it seems a bit ridiculous to begin right now. I'll be smarter about what I eat and maybe add a little more exercise into my life, but I'm not going to go on a full diet yet. I'll keep you guys updated!!

Traveling Memories

Today has been an unusually good day. Nothing great or life changing has happened, but I haven't felt that overwhelming sense of loneliness that I have been feeling for the last couple of days. I'm very tired today. Having this long vacation has completely messed with my sleep schedule. When I had to go to sleep early so that I could wake up early for work, I couldn't fall asleep. I just wasn't tired enough and my brain was still going a mile a minute. I ended up staying up until nearly 1:30 in the morning. Not fun when you have to get up at 6:45!

While at work a girl came up to talk to me. Her name is Brittany and this is her very first semester in college. She's 18, taking German 1010, and planning on going on the study abroad trip to Germany this summer. She was asking me tons of questions about the trip. What was it like? How much money will she need? They ranged from the basic to the I wish I had thought of that question before! It was amazing to talk to her about all that we were able to do last year. I am so thankful that I was able to go to Germany this last summer. It was an experience that changed me. I was able to do so much and see tons! Of course there were many things that I didn't get to see or do, and that makes me sad, but what I did get to see and do was awesome! I got to live right down the street from the Templehof Airport.

It was a very important airport for the Germans after WWII. One U-Bahn stop away from mine was Platz der Luftbrücke, another important event happened there-the Berlin Air Bridge, when America flew in food and supplies when Berlin was closed off to everything after WWII.

I was able to visit tons of museum and see things that I never would have been able to otherwise. We visited Dresden. It was such a beautiful city. It made me sad to see all of the gorgeous buildings covered in soot from when America senselessly firebombed Dresden. However, the Frauenkirche rose like a phoenix from the flames and was rebuilt and is one of the most beautiful churches ever built.

We went to Weimar-home of Goethe, Schiller, and many more important German thinkers, authors, and composers.

However, it had a dark side. In the woods outside of Weimar, lies a camp that many of the residents of Weimar chose not to know about-Buchenwald Concentration Camp. This wasn't a concentration camp like Auschwitz, meaning it wasn't built as a death camp, though thousands did die there and death wasn't prevented, and many deaths were hastened along. On the front gates is the slogan "Jedem das Seine" which literally means to each his own, but really meant that the people going through the gates were getting what they deserved.

This place is nestled inside one of the most beautiful and peaceful places you could ever imagine. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and oddly enough I felt incredibly at peace, in a place that had no peace for a number of years. This camp was a political prisoner camp. Not just Jews were interred here, but POWs, Gypsies, political prisoners, homosexuals, Jehovah's Witnesses, and criminals. They were worked hard, they were experimented on, and they were murdered. It's hard to imagine that any sort of feelings other than sadness, hatred, or despair could be felt there. But like I said it was one of the best days we had had. I didn't feel any of those feelings, other than my own sympathy and sadness for what happened there. Most of the buildings were torn down, either because of intense rage from the prisoners or because of age and decay. I'm not happy that such horrible things happened there, but I'm happy that we are able to learn from this. I'm glad that nature is starting to take over what was taken from it. I'm glad that peace was felt once more where war should never have touched.

Let's move on from such sad talk. We also visited Potsdam. It's a city on the outskirts of Berlin. It's a beautiful old city surrounded by tree covered hills (the Germans call them mountains, but really they're only hills).

Sadly the day was gray, rainy, and cold. We walked around the town and saw some amazing buildings. We walked through the grounds of Sansouci, a palace built by Friedrich II, King in Prussia during the late 18th century.

It's gorgeous and full of gold covered rococo designs. I could have easily spent days there, but unfortunately we only got about an hour. I think everybody in my study abroad group (at least the girls anyway) fell a little in love with Friedrich. We came home with some great memories and jokes that still make Dr. Packer cringe and try to defend Friedrich.

I'm so incredibly grateful that I was able to do this and visit such an amazing, diverse, and beautiful country. I wish that I had had more time, but I'm thankful for what time I did have. I wish that others could do that same some day.

Now it's time for me to get cracking on a history paper!

From Loneliness to Happiness-Choices

The last couple of days have been kind of rough for me. I've been feeling alone and left out of things. I want to cry about it, but I don't think that there would be anyone who would hear me. My phone isn't working, so I can't call my mom or my sisters. I hate feeling this way, so every time I feel like complaining on here I'm going to write something that's good in my life. Hopefully that will help. It'll be hard, because sometimes it doesn't feel as if there is anything good in my life, but even if it is something small and insignificant, but makes my life just a tad bit better, it'll be good to write about.

It's freezing cold outside and there is about 6 inches of snow on the ground. My room is cold, mainly because I haven't opened my vent in to let the warmth in. That's OK, I like it that way. I read a newspaper article today about a family who was homeless for a while and just recently got an apartment of their own. They were able to make breakfast together as a family for the first time in months and they got a dog. While my living situation isn't ideal, and most every day I wish that I had the means to change it, I'm thankful to know that I'll never have to be homeless. That I have family somewhere that would open their arms and doors to let me live with them until I could get myself situated. I'm grateful that I have the option of open a vent or not. I can't imagine sleeping in weather like this. I have a choice to be warm or not, while there are some out there who don't have that choice. We are lucky that we get to make our choices.

I'm still sad that I'm feeling lonely and left out, but I'll be OK. It's not a quick fix to write these things down, but it does help to lift some of the weight off of my chest. It helps to not think of just myself, especially at this time of year. So, now that I'm done feeling so incredibly sad, I'm going to do something for me-clean my room and then read some Kafka :)

Happy Sunday everyone! I love you all!

Secrets

I found a fun new website today. It's called PostSecret. A guy decided to ask people to send him their secrets anonymously on a postcard. They range from the silly to the shocking, from touching to scary. It got me to thinking, I carry a lot of secrets inside of me. I hate that. I'm not about to blab them out on here, because frankly, I don't want anyone to know them. But to tell a person I don't know could be oddly freeing. Maybe I'll do that one day. Write a bunch of my secrets down and send them to a random person.

Life would be so much better and so much easier if we didn't have to live in fear of our secrets. I hate having mine, but at the same time, I wouldn't and couldn't risk anything to tell them. Some are mine, but some are others.

By the end of this week, I will have written all of my secrets down and either have sent them off to this man or just leave them someplace random!

Post-Holiday Blues and Thankfulness

I have realized that 1) being without family on the holidays really sucks and, not that nobody else doesn't know this, 2) I really can't wait to leave Utah. Oddly enough both realizations are connected. I hate being without my family on a major holiday. Thanksgiving and Christmas are meant to be spent with your family. I'm lucky that I did get to spend it with some family, but those that I really want to see and spend time with are so far away. I hate being spread all over the States! Because I'm really missing my family, it's really making me dislike being in Utah. Everyone knows my feelings towards the not so great state of Utah. I don't see anything great about this place. There is only one kind of person here: a conservative Mormon. While these kind of people are OK, in small bunches, an entire state of them is lacking in diversity. There are a few random liberal non-Mormons scattered around, but I'm lucky if I can find any! I despair of ever finding someone for me. I don't fit the standard around here. To be even considered for dating you have to be: 1) Mormon 2)Blond 3)Skinny and 4)Desirous to be absolutely, completely dependent upon your husband, not necessarily that order! Happily, I'll never be that, but finding someone who will appreciate me for me here is harder than finding that proverbial needle! I have some friends, but they are happily in relationships...so guess who's been forgotten?? (Answer here) You win a prize if you guessed correctly!

I hate all of this complaining. I'm just having a sad moment, because once again, I'm feeling sad and alone.

Even though it's the day after Thanksgiving, I'll list some of the things I'm thankful for:

1. My family-my parents and my sisters are the most amazing people and I wish that everyone had a family like mine.

2. My education-I know that I wouldn't be who I am today without it. It has opened my mind and broadened my thinking.

3. The myriad of little things in my life-all of the things that make me smile, make my life simpler and better. They go from good music to a warm shower to socks.

I should put more, but those are the two things that I'm most grateful for. It's easy for me to forget what I'm thankful for, so this holiday is a good reminder, not only for me but for everyone, to stop and think and thank.

I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving and that the upcoming Christmas season will be spectacular for you!

Love you all!!

I'm amazed at some people's thoughtlessness

Today, I was was combing the internet for something new and interesting to read. Most of the time it's usually on AOL, some random article about politics or even a celebrity scandal or two. There was an article that caught my eye, "'Mike & Molly' Star Speaks Out About 'Fatties' Furor". In it, it describes a blog from Marie Claire, a leading women's magazine, from a freelance blogger named Maura Kelly. It's called "Should 'Fatties' Get a Room? (Even on TV?)." I've never seen the show Mike & Molly, but it's about two people who meet at an Overeaters Anonymous group and begin dating. This blogger, because I can't call her a lady (it's too dignified for the likes of her), was disgusted that a show would show two people with "rolls and rolls" making out. She said that she would be disgusted to see a morbidly obese person walking across a room. This woman deeply offended me. I know that I'm not a healthy weight, I know that I should be, and one day I'll be ready for it. It amazes me that some people are still so rude, thoughtless, vain, and tactless today. Yes, we know that we shouldn't eat the unhealthy, processed foods. We know that we should eat vegetables and exercise more, but when people make such damaging remarks, it makes it that much harder to get out and do those things. You may think "how hard is it to really stop eating that food and eat some veggies or get a few minutes of exercise?" It's really hard when you have emotional damage that food helps to curb for a few more days. It's really hard when you think that you are finally ready to take that step, then hear that people are disgusted to even see you. People have to wonder why there are no overweight people in a gym. How hard do you think it is to go into a gym and no one there is over a size two? They're not there to lose weight, but to look at the other "healthy" people. It's a $50 a month hook-up joint. When you are the only one there that when you run on the treadmill and something jiggles, it isn't easy. The people there are admiring you for your attempt to get healthy, but they are thinking why is this person here ruining our view. If people were more tolerant of one another this world would be a stronger, healthier place. We need to stop judging people on what they look like. Especially here in Utah. For someone who isn't the "ideal" image, it really sucks here. We who look differently, or have extra pounds, are discriminated against and left out. We are looked over and ignored. It's as if we are non-entities just taking up space and air. We don't exist to you and that needs to change! We need to promote a healthier way of getting people to lose weight. Calling us fatties, ugly, disgusting, etc. is not the way to go. Involve us in your activities, talk to us, think of us as normal. We have so much to offer this world, but no one realizes that, because we disgust the "healthy" people.

PS...the titles of the articles are linked to the actual article

Do I really need a title?

So, recently I made the decision not to move back to Portland this Christmas. I had a lot of good things going for me. Now I'm not so sure. I swear that every Sunday is a nightmare. This weekend she was gone from Friday until just a few hours ago. It was a pretty good weekend. There was no major fighting or bickering and there were no tense moments. She has been home for just an hour or so. I went out to say hi, welcome home, but not immediately. I waited about half an hour. Let her have some time to say hello to her family and get settled back in. When I went out, she hardly looked at me and flat out ignored me. I don't have to put up with that crap at all. Now she and Bob are "talking", which of course equates to arguing in most books. SHE'S BEEN HOME AN HOUR!!!!! I hate Sundays. I don't understand why she is like this, especially on such a day that is supposed to be taken reverently and with respect. I really enjoyed this weekend. It was stress and tension free. Now I don't even want to leave my room to check on the clothes that I put in the washer. A house that is supposedly filled with love shouldn't be filled with this much tension. She shouldn't argue about every little thing or get offended or hurt over every little thing we say or do! I don't understand her and she makes it incredibly difficult for someone to truly like her!

Excitement!!

Oh my gosh I'm so excited! Friday is so not coming quick enough. I leave for a month in Germany on Friday. I go to London and get there on the 1st of May. My friend and I are going to stay the night there and leave around 2 PM on Sunday for Berlin. I stay there for nearly a month. I got an email from the Goethe-Institut today telling me who I'll be staying with, where the closest transportation stop is, and how long it will take me to get to the school. I'll be staying with a lady named Renate Giese. We were told that we probably won't be with another person from our group, but I found out that the friend that I'm doing most of my traveling with will be in the same house as me. I hope that we don't end up hating each other lol. I probably won't be doing too much updating on here but I'll try. I'll definitely be keeping updates on Facebook. I'm so incredibly excited and nervous and scared. I was talking with my German teacher today and told him that, but he told me that was normal. I can't wait!!!

Late night ramblings that are sure to make somebody mad :)

Ok...politics seriously piss me off. Do you know that we are the only industrialized country in the world that has a government that doesn't pay for our education, or our health care? Why not? How come we have to go into so much debt, so that we can get a "better" job? Don't get me wrong, I love my country and I love having the freedoms that so many other countries don't have, but it pisses me off that this country doesn't help it's people. I hate capitalism. There is nothing truly good about it. It gives people the right to own and operate a business, but how does it help the people who have no interest in that. I'll never own my own business. The field that I'm entering is notorious for having so many unemployed people with great degrees. I'm not going to give up what I love so that I can own a business that will most likely fail. I know this is rambling and probably doesn't make much sense, and some of it is probably a little wrong, but I'm just pissed off at all of this. I shouldn't have to have the debt that I have to get an education. Do you know that the countries in Europe pay for their citizens education? How is that wrong? I truthfully find nothing wrong with socialism. How is it wrong to care for the people and not businesses? Did you know that if communism is done right, with no peversions of the theory, it could be the most perfect form of government? Unfortunately, those who have implemented it twisted it to suit their needs and not the needs of the people and made it a scary thing. It is a no-no now. I'm not promoting it at all, but just know that when Karl Marx first wrote about it, he didn't mean for what the USSR to do to it. I'm sure I'll make some of you mad when you read this. I'm sorry for that, but I'm not going to change my mind. I want the government to care about me and you! Not worry about bailing out some company that has floundered and can't get itself out of the mess it made. I'm not asking for the government to pay for everything, no government should do that, but it should help us more than it does now. This form of government has made me so mad and frustrated that it makes me want to move. I want to be apart of something good. I don't think that will ever happen in our lifetime. We finally have a president who, at least on paper, cares for the people. He introduces something that is a step to universal health care and people have a huge fit. Who cares if affects the rich people? I'm not rich and I'll never be rich. I'm pretty sure they can afford the taxes. If they can afford everything else that they buy what's a few more dollars added on? Maybe this is just some late night, I'm super tired, rambling but I'm just pissed off enough to want to say something. I have my doubts that anybody really reads this so I guess it's ok for me to spew this lol. Please don't think that I hate my country, because I don't. I love the US. I just think that we need to put our priorities elsewhere now.

Family is the most amazing thing ever!

Wow...today everything finally fell into place. Today my parents paid the rest of what I owed for my study abroad trip! I was so excited about that. THEN, my grandparents decided that they would help me pay for my plane tickets. I'll pay them back of course, but that helps me so much. I'm so incredibly greatful for the family I have. They have helped me through so much. I hope that I'll be as generous when the time comes. I have my program and tickets paid for and it wasn't as hard to get it done as I thought it would be. Thank you everybody! You don't know how much this means to me! I love you all!

Today has been an interesting day ^.^

Wow. Today has been pretty phenomenal! These last few days have been pretty bad. My aunt has been at her worst. She has cut herself out of our family because of perceived slights. What she thought happened didn't really happen but she has decided that it would be better for her to cut of contact with my parents and not go to any family functions. She's kind of going overboard, but there is no arguing with her. I figure give her a couple of weeks or so and she'll get over it, hopefully. Anyway, yesterday, my uncle and I went to the bank to apply for a loan and the loan guy said that even with our combined everything the debt-ratio was too high. He has a loan and the mortgage that he's cosigned, and while he either doesn't pay anything on it or only pays half, it's pretty much left us looking like we can't pay it. The only way of being able to get the loan would be if my aunt also cosigned. Because of previous happenings this week I was pretty sure I was up a certain creek without a paddle. Today as I was taking my shower, my aunt knocked on the door. I was assuming that she had to use the toilet. She came in and asked if when I had a moment would I come to her room and talk to her. Well I finished up, and was freaking out the entire time. I went in and sat down with her and she apologized to me!!! We had a heart to heart and mended our fences. It was awesome. Well I still didn't want to breech the subject of the loan but she asked me how it was going. I told her I didn't think it was going to happen. We were trying to figure out how to make it or come up with another plan on how to do it. My uncle came up to talk about something else and he broached the subject of her also cosigning because of the other loans that are also in her name. She agreed to do it!!! Never have I been more surprised. I was so positive that she would refuse to do it. I'm so greatful for moments like these. I have been feeling pretty bad these last couple of days. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, or how I was going to get the money. I was sure that if nothing happened I was going to have to pull out of the study abroad program. Now I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to get the loan, especially if my aunt cosigns. We have plans for going in on Monday afternoon to get her on the loan as well. I'm feeling more hopeful and optimistic.


On other news, I need you guys to please keep one of my best friends, Kristina Heitman, in your prayers. She's received some horrible news about her health and a dear friend of hers is in the hospital. I'm not going into details, but if you could just pray for good health, comfort, and peace in these times, I'd be eternally greatful. I know that even when I reach my lowest, that prayer helps. How could positive thinking not help? Thanks everyone. Love you all!!!!

Ah money, how I hate thee!

Sometimes when life throws something awful at you, it can also follow through with something wonderful! Yesterday I was absolutely terrified that my aunt was going to ask my uncle to not co-sign my loan. She was under the impression that I was going to ask for a huge amount. I was thinking about it but I didn't really need that much. Today I found out that I have much less to pay to my study abroad program. I only have about $400 left to pay. I'll be getting more money in May from financial aid. I know what I'm doing but she didn't ask. She has valid concerns and questions, however, the way she put them forth, her tone of voice, scared me to death. This morning we got into another arguement about it. She implied some things that have really hurt me. I'll get over it though. I figured out how much a monthly payment will be, how long it'll take me to pay it off, and what the intrest rate is going to be. I can do this. It may not look like it, but I can do it. Things are starting to level out and become lots better.

Careful with hope, it can get dashed pretty easy...

So, I posted in my last blog about going to Germany for a study abroad. It's been a bit frustrating trying to come up with the money. I know that I'll have the money from summer financial aid, but that money doesn't come in until after I'm supposed to be in Germany. The only other way that I can come up with the rest of the money is to take out a loan. It's not going to be huge, but enough to pay for the rest of the program and the plane ticket, plus some extra for spending money until my financial aid comes in. The only way I can get a loan is if I have a co-signor. I've asked my uncle to be my co-signor. My aunt was a little worried about it understandably. They are still in the adoption process and there are still legal fees. The most that I'll take out is $4000, but I could get away with $3000. I plan on paying it off with the money that I get for fall semester. I have no other choice. I have some ideas for fundraisers and stuff, but I really don't want to have to do them alone. We have a meeting tomorrow and I'll discuss some of my ideas with everybody then. Hopefully they'll be willing to help me, and each other, out. Anyway, today my aunt was on a roll. She kept going on and on about how this could ruin their chances at getting a loan or credit cards to help pay the fees for the adoption. I completely understand that the adoption needs to come first for them. However, it's not as if I'm planning on skipping out on the loan and leaving it to them. Yes, there are risks, I know this. For weeks she's been very supportive about me going. Telling me that we'll figure out a way to get the money, etc. When I first asked them for help with the loan, she was a bit hesitant, but was willing to help. Today it feels as if I've lost the chance to get the money. I don't know who else could help me like this. My parents have gone above and beyond to help me. I don't really have anyone else to do this, and now my hopes have been dashed. I had finally found a cheaper way to get plane tickets. It would cost a couple of hundred dollars less the way I found. Now, I'm not even sure if I'm gonna be able to go.

Why do people do this? Bring you up to pull you down. She was so excited for me, helping me, giving me ideas, praying for me and with me, and now this? I don't know what to do anymore!!! I'm so angry with her. I don't know what happened. It hurts so much, so much.

Life

Oh my I guess it's been a while since I last posted anything. Life has been extremely busy and crazy. School keeps me on my toes. Luckily I only have two classes this semester, German and The Roman Empire. I love them both. I have the wonderful opportunity to go on a study abroad to Berlin, Germany. I can't wait!! It's given me some problems trying to find the funds for it, but I have the most amazing family ever. They are so supportive and helpful. I still don't have all of the money but I'm gonna get it somehow.
I'll try to keep up more often now. It's spring break and I'll have more time to do things.